Stingley Cup
The Stingley Cup is a trophy given to the best team in the NHL, the top hockey league in the universe. Why is the Stingley Cup So Big? There is a reason why it is so big. All of the names of the players on the team who wins are engraved on it. Then, they engrave all the people who work for the team, meaning the front office people, the dude who drives the ZedBONI™®© around, and the guy who cleans the blood and teeth and shit off the ice. Then, once those names are on there, they randomly go through the phone book of the town that wins, and engrave those names on there too. Then they just say the hell with it, and make up some names. It is really a lot of fun. In the early years of the Stingley Cup (see picture below), it didn't have many names, so the trophy was skinny, like Young Elvis. Now, it is old and huge, like Fat Elvis. If You Win The Stingley Cup, It Is Par-tay Time The team that wins the Cup gets to skate around with it and act like jackasses. Then they get to fill it full of vodka and do jello shots and shit out of the thing. Since the season is over, the team is allowed to bust up the ice they've been playing on so they can have something to keep the drinks cool. It really is a big time party, and quite the sight to behold. Most Recent Winners Of The Stingley Cup The most recent winners, in 2006, were the Carolina Hurricanes. After they won, they let Stephen Colbert, a native of South Carolina, hold it. Quite the dream for a young boy growing up in Charleston. * In 2008, the winners were the Ducks, the same Ducks that were Minnesota State Pee Wee hockey champs in the popular movie, The Weak Little Ducks. It has been an unwritten rule that the winning captain of the team shall go on a 4 day blo and hooker bender with Bob Probert. The most proficient player to ever have a heavy coke problem in the NHL's history. The Year The Cup Was Forgotten In 2005, the league didn't exist due to a bunch of whining about salaries by a bunch of liberal crybaby namby pamby types. The Stingley Cup wasn't awarded that year, instead, it was kept in somebody's kitchen cupboard that year and didn't come out. Past Winners Of The Stingley Cup The New York Rangers won the Stingley Cup every year from 1984 (except 1999), until 2004. In 1999, the Stingley Cup was won by the San Jose Sharks, who threw that in the face of their rivals from West Side Story, the New York Jets. Between 1968 and 1983, the Detroit Red Wings won it a bunch of times, and the Chicago Blackhawks won it a couple of times, and so did the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders. No one is exactly sure, since record keeping in hockey was sketchy during this period. No Stingley Cup For You, Bears The Boston Bruins have never managed to get their filthy bear-loving paws on it. And its better that way. Canadian Winners Of The Stingley Cup No team from Canada has won the Stingley Cup since 1967. That year, the Toronto Maple Leafs won. Everyone knows this, because every year those insane Maple Leaf fans recount their tales of glorious 1967, and wail away about how they will never taste glory again. It is prophecied that the great bear uprising of 2012 will begin with a Canadian team winning the trophy and taking it back to their godless homeland to drink baby seal blood from it's top. The prophecy says that a god named luongo will lead his team, the Vancouver Canucks, who are communist losers and have never won anything, to the Stingley Cup Championship 4 years in a row from 2009 to 2012 and this will signal the start of the great bear uprising. The Creation of The Stingley Cup It is believed that 1967 is the first year that the Stingley Cup was awarded, even though hockey was invented in 1952 and the NHL came about soon after. Prior to 1967, the champions of the NHL simply got a well-deserved pat on the back, a tip of the hat, and a warm handshake from the Prime Minister of Canada. In 1967, the NHL was taken over by America, as the exchange rate made the league quite affordable at the time, and the Americans realized that hockey would be the means by which the bear uprising of 2012 could be defended. The concept of bling-bling was being invented by hippies in the USA in the late 1960s, and in an effort to one-up those sons of bitches, the NHL and its president, Phineas Q. Stingley, designed the Stingley Cup. A Very Important Point If the Saginaw Spirit played in the NHL, they would most assuredly win the Cup every year.